Resistance to Potty Training

If your child has a hard time with bowel movements, they may show resistance to potty training. It’s because they associate potty training with pain.

Some children may hold their bowels because they’re afraid of experiencing pain again. This is also true for children who’ve had urinary tract infections. They may refuse to urinate in the toilet or go to the bathroom because they associate the action and environment with pain.

Other possible sources of discomfort are the loud noise of the toilet, the surprise of water splashing up during a bowel movement, or even the slimy texture of hand soap for hand hygiene.

Tips to overcome potty training resistance…

Take a break. If your child shows resistance to potty training, take a break for 3- 4 weeks. Try it again for 3-4 weeks and see how things go. Be patient and gentle with yourself and your child. It’s a process.

Make the bathroom a positive experience. Get some fun soap for hand hygiene, colorful decorations to look up at, and books or toys to help pass the time while waiting on the loo.

Consider the size of the toilet. Have a child-sized seat for comfort– some fit over existing toilet seats. A child-sized toilet is another option–it makes it easier for your child to get on and off the toilet independently. Make sure that the child is supported with a footstool so that they feel safe to be on the potty. This is a big issue for some children.

Positive reinforcement. Use verbal encouragement when your child participates. It helps your child continue participation in the potty training process. Offer verbal praise for sitting on the potty and trying to go even if nothing comes out. Sticker charts or other rewards when they make it to the potty in time help with positive reinforcement.

Be attentive to signs of or complaints of pain. If your child hasn’t had a complete bowel movement for three days or more, it may be time to up the fiber and fluids or visit a pediatrician. If your child complains of burning or itching during urination, they may have a urinary tract infection and will need to see a pediatrician.

If your child is female, instruct your child to wipe front to back. This will prevent the bacteria in poop from going into the vagina and urethra. According to Mayo Clinic, wiping front to back helps prevent urinary tract infections.

Never force your child to sit on any toilet or participate in potty training. Encourage, explain the purpose, use positive reinforcement, and invite them to use the potty. But never force.

Never force potty participation. It’s not worth the emotional constipation for either of you.

Is Your Child Ready for Potty Training?

A common question parents ask when thinking about potty training is, “Is this the right time?”

It’s a great question. Because there are definitely some less than optimal times to potty train–for you and your toddler.

If your child…

Can follow one-step directions
Can pull their own pants up and down
Are able to make their needs known
Can communicate a sense of urgency
Can walk to the bathroom and sit on a toilet

…you’re ready to start potty training. Congratulations.

The average potty training age is between two and three years. Some children aren’t ready until a bit later and some may get an early start. Every child is different. And every parent or guardian's life situation is different.

Maybe you’ve put potty training on hold because…

you don’t want to rush your toddler
your toddler is resistant to potty training
you’re both in the middle of a big life change
your routine isn’t established or it’s about to shift
you’re just plain exhausted

These are all completely valid reasons. It’s okay to take things one step at a time and come back to it later when the season is right.

Holding In The Reaction When Accidents Happen

It’s been five months in underwear with no accidents. You spend a weekend with some old friends and have a blast. You’re all packed up and the night before the ride back home, it happens.

“Maaaaaaaaaaaaammm, I’m wet!”

Sigh upon sighs. You get out of the cozy guest bed. Tired. Frustrated. Embarrassed. You hush your toddler and get them changed. You strip the sheets and shuffle around in dim light for laundry detergent.

It’s hard to hold in emotions when your child doesn’t hold it.

You’re not alone in this. Potty training is frustrating. It’s often two steps forward and one step back. Parents often think they’ve failed at this point.

Accidents are a part of the process. Don’t give up. Your child is learning how to become aware of their body’s signals. When there’s a change in routine or environment, your child may not be as aware, attentive, or in control of this sense. This is normal.

To help your child learn their body’s bowel and bladder signals, start with observations. Then ask questions.

“I notice you’re squirmy and holding your private area. Do you need to use the potty?”
“You drank two Capri Suns before we came to the park. There’s a lot of juice still inside of you. Do you need to pee?”
“You said your tummy hurts. Sometimes that happens when we need to poop. Do you feel like you need to poop? [wait for your child’s response]. Let’s go to the potty and try.”

Occasional accidents after potty training are normal. Accidents may occur up through the ages of five or six.

When accidents happen, your response is a vital part of the process. Your reaction to your child’s situation has the power to help them improve or could hinder progress.

Take a moment for yourself and breathe. You’re not failing. You’re in the midst of a process.

Address the situation and your child with kindness. Research recommends non-judgemental dialogue when accidents happen. Accidents are opportunities for encouragement and teaching.

When you say something like, “You wet your pants this time, but you’ll remember to pee in the potty next time” it helps your child…

Understand they made a mistake but aren’t in trouble
Realize there’s action they needed to take instead–and what that action is
Look forward to getting it right in the future
Know you’re cheering them on through this process

Negative reinforcement such as punishing a child for having an accident increases resistance and slows the process. It’s also very unpleasant for the child.

This is because the child begins to associate the bathroom or potty training with fear, punishment, and shame. When children are afraid or ashamed, they try to avoid the source of this negative emotion.

So, avoid yelling and being upset externally when accidents happen. Yelling, punishment or negative reactions increase shame and fear in your child.

To make potty training a positive experience…

Give verbal praise. This doesn’t just mean praise for a result. Even if your child doesn’t urinate or have a bowel movement on the potty, provide verbal affirmation for participation in the process. It’s important.

Acknowledge with grace and take your opportunity. When accidents happen, acknowledge the mistake without negative language. Highlight cause and effect during this dialogue. Instruct your child in a gentle tone so they know the expectations for next time.
- Say something like, “You didn’t pee in the potty, now your clothes are wet. We need to change them. Next time, you need to pee in the potty so your clothes stay dry.”

Consider motivation and explain. It’s beneficial to understand what motivates your child. Framing the motivation in a positive light is a must. If your child is motivated by play, you could say something like, “Let me know when you need to go to the potty so your clothes stay dry. Then we don’t have to take extra time to change them. If you stay dry, we will have more time to play.”

Prepare your child for transitions. A lot of children don’t want to stop playing to take a potty break. Explaining they will be able to return to the activity once they try to potty will calm anxiety and make the transition easier. Many children do well with visual timers to prepare for a transition.

Do the routine thing. When you have a set time to potty during morning, afternoon, and bedtime routines, it helps your child’s system stay on schedule. It also makes knowing when they’ll need to go a little more predictable. Your child will also know the routine and eventually get the hang of taking themselves to the potty.

Have clear expectations for steps–this is important for learning the whole process. This includes pulling pants down, sitting, waiting, wiping, pulling pants up, flushing, washing hands, and celebrating participation. Visual schedules and supports work well here too.

Offer toys and games while they wait it out. Sitting for a long time can be hard for little ones. Having a book, toy, or game they can play during bowel movements is helpful for keeping a child patiently seated. Singing songs together is another activity to distract them from the task and engage in some familiar and calming time with the parent or caregiver.

Try colorful foam soap. It’s a fun way to help your child wash the whole surface of each hand. Some children are hypersensitive to the slimy texture of traditional hand soap. Using colorful foam soap is a fun, pleasant alternative. If you are avoiding artificial colors, there are plenty of foaming soaps on the market. Or try a bar of soap. Experiment with different soaps to see which your child prefers, if any.

Methods for Potty Training

There are oodles of options for potty training. Depending on your life’s circumstances, personal preferences, and child participation, one method may work better than another. From infant potty training to child-led potty training, there’s something for everyone on a quest for bathroom bonanza.

Some options for potty training include…

3-day potty training
Brazelton Method (child-centered)
Infant potty training
Elimination communication (infant)
Parent lead

Overwhelmed with options? Here’s a general starting point. To begin the potty training process, encourage your child to use the potty once every 45 minutes up to 1 hour for three days. This will help your child become aware of their body’s signals and that they need to go to the potty when their insides feel a bit different.

Communicate expectations. Let your child know when their insides feel a bit different, they need to tell you or a trusted adult they have to “go potty.” Use the same phrase for consistency to communicate the sense of urgency. Switching between phrases can leave your child confused.

Use positive reinforcement throughout the process and observe your child’s response. After the intense three-day starting period, monitor your child for signs of wiggling. Be prompt if they show signs of urgency. Be especially prompt if they tell you they need to go potty.

When they’re able to stay dry for a few hours, transition to underwear. Keep a change of clothes on hand for accidents. Continue this process if there’s no resistance.

Remember what goes in must come out. For accident prevention, it’s a good idea to monitor fluid intake and observe your child for signs of wiggling or holding their private area to estimate when they’ll need to take a bathroom break. Keep a change of clothes on hand just in case.

Be consistent. Be kind to yourself and your child. Keep going.

It’s a process. You’re doing great!

Vocabulary Considerations

Give your child a consistent vocabulary and communication system for potty training. Decide what words and phrases you’ll use to describe…

The toilet (the potty)
Your child’s private areas* (penis/vagina)
Urine/urination (pee/peeing)
feces/defecation (poop/pooping)

*Please use universal, anatomical terms–penis and scrotum for males, vagina for females. It’s important your child knows the universal terms for their body parts. This is so they can clearly report if something is wrong in those areas or if they were ever touched in these areas.

Learning correct anatomical names helps communication be clear. This is important in identifying and reporting abuse. We want children everywhere to speak up and communicate clearly if they were ever touched inappropriately. Always report abuse.

Using correct anatomical terms prevents shame. Using slang terms for these parts communicates to a child that their private area is something to be ashamed of. We don’t want a child to be ashamed of any part of their bodies.

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Helping Hands Therapy Services is here to support you. Our therapists provide free parent education through Caregiver Chats and offer support systems. If your child has special needs in the area of potty training or if you have other concerns about their daily life tasks, please contact our office to schedule a consultation.

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